Becoming Buddhist

Attempting to Live a More Mindful Life

Feeling the Life Force

4 Comments

A fellow blogger named Natalie followed Becoming Buddhist, and when I went to read her blog, I discovered the site of another woman who recently suffered an ectopic pregnancy. I instantly felt oh, pity and understanding and sadness for her, and if you’re reading, Natalie, I send you lovingkindness and white light for your loss.

I noticed that Natalie had a poem on her blog. The poem expressed this huge grief, and ended with a line to the missed baby to the effect of “Mom and Dad will always love you.”

SNC11667

Life.

I sympathize, but my feelings about this loss are very different than that. That could be because I’m ardently pro-choice, and I see all the ways a baby could not come into this world. Or maybe it’s because I have a kid already, and to me that blastocyst that went with the tube was not, yet, something to love. It was an idea, a beautiful one, but still that: an idea. It made me think how much easier it is to lose a pregnancy at seven weeks than it is at 13, at 27, at 39. I know two people who lost pregnancies that late, and several who lost them about halfway along. That loss must be indescribable. This one is…different.

But as the days go by, I can’t tell if it’s getting easier or harder. For a while, the feeling of being so happy to be alive took precedence. Then the rude awakening–I wrote about this last time–that there are still bills to pay, memoirs to write, children to rear, bathrooms to clean. Life does, as they say, go on, and when you step back onto that Tilt-a-Whirl you nearly get thrown off with the shock of it (okay, I’m being super dramatic now). I went through an angry period; I’m sort of in an anti-social phase. And now, I’m also terrified of what else might happen. I spent Saturday morning in the ER staving off a potential complication of the surgery (I’m fine) and I found a painful lump in my left breast last night, which is terrifying me. We all have colds. My mortality, my fragility, seems to dangle in front of me, and with it, that opposing and equally irrational feeling: nothing bad can happen to ME; it already has!

But anyway.

What I really wanted to write about is my dreams. Since I got out of the hospital, since no longer being IV-dripped a cocktail of saline, anesthesia, morphine, anti-nausea meds, antibiotics, and Vicodin every day, my dreams have been full of creation. In them I play my guitar and sing; I was a backup singer for the Rolling Stones the other night. And there’s tons of sex, I won’t reveal any gory details, don’t worry–but just the idea of sex. And while I don’t write in my dreams, I wake up thirsty to sit down and work, so ready to get to work.

A collection of some of the fertility talismans that are scattered around my house.

A collection of some of the fertility talismans that are scattered around my house.

At first, with all that sex, I thought the universe was giving me a sign to try to make another baby. But I think, more, that I’ve been feeling life force, chi, prana, spirit, brio. I think my dreams are revealing to me what’s important and what’s vital: connection and creation.

I’m happy to be alive.

And also, quite close to the surface, at times very depressed. These things seemed at odds but you know, they’re not. I suppose you can be both happy to be alive and sad about the state of your life in the same breath.

I’m practicing again, in my achy-boned way. Marc’s been poking me in the morning and mumbling “go meditate.” This makes me laugh.

But off I go.

Advertisements

Author: becomingbuddhist

I am a writer, teacher, and mother living in Northern California. Recently I decided to try an experiment in living more mindfully. This blog is my testimonial.

4 thoughts on “Feeling the Life Force

  1. My love and peace to you, dear woman. You have been through a physical trauma, which became an emotional trauma, and it is going to take time to put it all together. I had a “miss” before falling pregnant with my daughter. I felt much the same way as you did, that it wasn’t a being/baby, but that it was kind of a clump of cells that didn’t develop properly. For me, the really had part was getting through the physical event that my body went through, as I had complications and needed emergency surgery as well (although not nearly as complicated as what you experienced). I think the hormonal component of a miscarriage is also intense. . . So, the one thing I can tell you is that it takes time. You’ll get there. Just be gentle with yourself and do what feels good and right and comforting. Be at peace.

  2. I can’t thank you enough for this post. I can really relate to how you’re feeling. It’s almost unreal, because I think you are writing the very words that I was afraid to say. Reading this post has been very cathartic for me, and I appreciate you so much! Oddly enough, I also dreamt about sex often, right before and after my surgery mostly. I thought maybe I was just missing it!! But, I really like your sentiment about what’s vital and important: Connection and creation. When discussing running barefoot (the reason for my blogging existence), connection and creation are the two reasons I usually give to people when they ask me why I run bare. First, the connection to the earth and others around you. Second, we are feeling creation (Mother Earth) right underneath and all around us, acknowledging, accepting and loving it. To me, it’s a spiritual connection between the earth and others: Worshipping creation and not necessarily a single creator. Needless to say, I can’t express how odd it is that I found your blog at just the perfect time. Thank you, and I wish you peace and comfort in your time of healing. Here was my attempt to put into words what was going on in my life! I had surgery on January 21st: http://vegetarianbarefootrunner.com/2013/01/18/the-topside-of-the-tapestry-seeing-the-light-after-ectopic-pregnancy/

    • Thank you so much for writing and for sharing your own story. I read your account and I really appreciated your positivity. I hope you’re also healing well and back to running (barefoot). Glad we found one another!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s