Becoming Buddhist

Attempting to Live a More Mindful Life

Codependence; Who Knew?

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After my last post comparing becoming Buddhist to being in recovery, I thought it would be funny (yeah, real funny, you sicko) to come here and write, “I relapsed!”

In fact I did not.

photo-1 copy photo-2 copyBut I realized this past week that this whole mindfulness/meditation gig does not remove the tendency or the temptation to be a nervous, anxious wreck. In fact this has been my tendency for as long as I can remember–or since I was seven, whichever comes first.

I have definitely been angsty of late, angsty about career and friendships and fertility and parenting, and with each move towards anxiety I have to breathe, strive for mindfulness, renew my commitment to the zafu, and remember my boundaries.

This last one is a biggy. Coincidentally, after I wrote that last post, I went to dinner and yoga with a friend who is in Al-Anon. Over sushi at the local Whole Foods (look, that counts as dinner these days, okay?) she explained to me the concept of codependence. Holy cow. I always thought “codependent” was the word you used to describe a couple who can’t spend any time apart. I didn’t realize that codependent has much more to do with boundaries, with not respecting someone else’s, with not being heard as an individual or listening to someone else as an individual, with trying to be all up in somebody else’s bisnatch all the time. With control.

What a revelation for me.

A revelation because I finally had some language to describe:

A. My sometimes difficult relationship with my parents

B. My often difficult relationship with various friends

C. The feeling I get when someone pushes me to do something after I have said no, or offers advice for a scenario I have made up my mind not to pursue

D. My own instinct, lately, to really strive to meet friends and family where they’re “at,” instead of pushing them to be different or offering advice

How does this relate to Buddhism? Because, if you’re working to remove attachments (to outcomes, to other people), somehow the urge to be codependent starts to go away.

And, at first, your tolerance for other people’s codependence goes down.

But maybe you have better tools to deal with codependence as it comes up. I hope. I’m still figuring this out. As Anne Lamott says in her lovely book Operating Instructions: “Little by little I think I’m letting go of believing that I’m in charge, that I’m God’s assistant football coach. It’s so incredibly hard to let go of one’s passion for control. It seems like if you stop managing and controlling, everything will spin off into total pandemonium and it will be all your fault.”

I guess this is part of the path.

photo copy

The path was in Northern California this whole time.

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Author: becomingbuddhist

I am a writer, teacher, and mother living in Northern California. Recently I decided to try an experiment in living more mindfully. This blog is my testimonial.

2 thoughts on “Codependence; Who Knew?

  1. oooo. Love this. Has me thinking about how many times per day I make my life considerably less enjoyable by exerting control. But what’s the difference between being too controlling and trying to get shit done?

    • Yes, I think that is the question.

      For me I’m realizing it’s not so much about controlling my own life, but about not trying to control others’. Or something.

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